Monday, May 5, 2014

we will all be ready someday

ready to face it
ready to embrace
ready to live

Monday, April 7, 2014

She takes my money, when i'm in need

These days have been pretty carefree although you can say a little aimless. But I'm quite content and hope that i get into PES C pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

shit man i miss going out, the leg is damn burden!!!!!!!!!!

anyway i've been trying and just letting myself forget all the past i had with her and move on to greater things. There is much more life has to offer me right now, although NS plays a huge role in making me think of what to do. Just let it be something like a buffer for my future plans.

But i'm still thinking if i should find closure with her, i mean like the way it ended was really bad and idk man i think i should. But at the same time idk if what i'm doing constitudes as rebound for the other. I still wanna know whats going on in her life and all. I'm quite glad she got to yale nus cos thats really hard to get in, i wish her all the best and im really sure she can do it. But at the same time there is this bitterness in me that hopes she doesnt, more like maybe because shes doing well and better than me and that feeling of competing with your EX. I mean she told me that was her dream course and she got her wish, what she wanted. So good for her.

I wouldnt go back, and it has already warned me so many times. They brought me good times and memories and i thank her for those great memories, it taught me alot of things, mistakes that i will never repeat again. IDK when will she be ready, but when the time comes i hope she finds a guy that loves her more than i did, gives her more than what i had given her. I wish her well in everything she does.

In my defence i was struggling between them both but then i just stopped after what she did and after the lack of communication but there was always this soft spot for her. It just felt weird la. Coming back, talking again just felt different, idk what happened if it was the dark moments of her life or that letter. But idk if we can get that back and if we dont i hope well it would be a different kind of good.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

A throwback to weeks ago

They say that a picture tells a thousand words. Well, here are my words.

There are times in life where you want to hold on to a certain memory so dear, so precious and you want it to be forever. And this may come together with a moment of knowing for certain what you want.

This picture may not seem much, but this was one of the best nights I've had. Looking down at the view at night of the city lights, feeling of owning the world, just for that few minutes is breathtaking and beautiful. And at the same time beside you, there is someone you feel you strongly for, and more importantly, someone you see your future with. Holding on to her hand tightly, and at that moment it seemed forever. 

This picture is a testament to one of the best things that will ever happen in my life and very little things can compare to that.

Memories can only carry you so far, but Love can bring you to places you never knew you are capable of going.

'Whatever that has happened in the past, good and bad, we have found our way back. 

Whatever that is happening, good and bad, we are already back.

Whatever that will happen, good and bad, we will always, always find our way back.'

Monday, March 24, 2014

give me love

I should just stop kidding myself, try to stop all the feelings of needing someone around me. Yes i have found many true friends and real ones.

I should just stop trying to engage in conversations with rachel because this shit is getting nowhere.

And no I wonder, if jingyi actually lives beside the hospital. Today while i was at the hospital I mean i still get the feelings of hoping to see her again maybe by chance or what just pop on by. God i find it difficult to move on, after what we all had. I just pushed it aside simply, i did not embrace it and accept it. It still bugs me somehow.

She may just be a half past thing, something that brought so much joy to me yet at the same time so much heartache.

And i guess i finally understood from her point of view and no i dont blame her, i dont hate her. Maybe the way i just lost it just blasted it off and away.

I believe only i can help myself now, yeap and with God, no one else.

One day if she just appears, i would give anything for that to happen. Ok maybe not all but i really want to just see her again. If my life ended today i would regret not having the chance to see her again, to just explain myself.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Something on my sleeve

the words can only carry you so far,
but the grace I've seen you danced with
made us rise through the heavens and above

the light that shines through you
made a million hearts of children embrace

why couldn't you do the same for yourself?
open up and leap in

Days, weeks, months, years or never again
Remains an unknown

Will you stay a silhouette in my memory
Or reappear in flesh and bones right to me

By that time I'd be speechless
Long gone and after

No easy way to pick up where we left off
But I hope when the time comes,
We can carry on

Either our separate lives
Or as one

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Sight of the sun

Throughout my BMT, I did not really think of her and this week I was amazed with myself that I have forgotten about her, but then it came back.

I deleted all the WA convos and it still hurt that she doesn't reply to me, but I tried to move on and I was thinking fuck it then. On results day she said later we can meet but I don't know where the fuck she disappeared to. I guess she's just running and hiding and idk how long can she do that. I don't know what's wrong with her. God I need your help. Maybe what I want is not what you have in mind for me. I am currently helpless, at a loss and hitting a brick wall. I told my friends I could not see anything between us anymore and I am doing well and moving on. I thought I was.

Then came the day when I fractured my metatarsal and was sent to CGH, and I immediately thought that her house was just nearby. Then it all came back. I miss her and everything about us. Many warning signs were already there for the taking, I was too blinded by love and pretended not to realise. I brushed them off and fought the urge to think something was wrong. And in the end it all went wrong. I don't understand why is she like that, I don't know what she is so scared of. I thought the times we had were enough to prove what she meant to me and yet she still had reservations. She got scared of committing and I think her fear was the stumbling block all these while. She just tried to run and hide but I'm quite sure at times she had the love for us.

Reading that novel evokes memories and the future I thought I could have. But now it seems really difficult, with her not being a part of my life. I am still burying it, but someday I feel it's gonna all come out again. I don't even know if I will ever see her again. But I want to. To make things clear and final. And idk what the fuck she is thinking or how she ticks.

I am currently in half minds. God I don't know what you are doing but I'm still trusting you to do what's good for me. The part about Rachel is that I started WA her a few times and yea it does seen fine but Idk if she thinks it's weird or what. I do wanna talk to her go out with her. And no she is not a rebound girl because when me and JY were on rocks, I wondered if I should have gone the other way with Rachel. Because I have only truly liked two girls in my entire life for now. And she is one of them.

Right now I'm hoping that we could catch on and go back to how it was like during PW days and all. I'm hoping to just go forward together with her. I do wanna see her or just wander around with her. I don't know how she feels about me and I don't think it's mutual. She made the first effort for me to get closer to You, God. And from that I see a testament that she may be the right one, I hope that you can and will lead me to a path where I will be happy and content with all questions answered and no regrets.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

This stretches like an empty canvas before me,
 sick and tired of people i meet,
 same old same old doubts and insecurities,

Please stop it will you,
never again will i want to repeat,
Fuck i need to keep it under control
Swear off those doubts, so fucking annoying
Shit ass mofo
Go fuck it up